How I Put Boundaries on Pete Hegseth
Taking a Trauma-Informed Approach to the News
Today is one of those days when we could collectively and easily panic. Pete Hegseth, toying with his title and power as much as our emotions, pulled a theatrical stunt with our highest military officers. He blustered, manipulated, and insinuated. At times, he sounded like a rape apologist with a warrior fetish while invoking God and military might.
I know that sound in my bones: that’s what it’s like to attend church with Hegseth. It’s Christian Nationalism within theonomy at the core: the application of Old Testament laws and practices to modern society. It’s fundamentalism. It’s church-sanctioned abuse without recourse and accountability. It’s retraumatization, and it’s intentional.
A flood of breaking news is designed to break us down. We know they’re using designer headlines to deflect away from what the people want: healthcare, economic relief, peace, and Epstein files. We know this is theater, and yet we often, unwittingly or at least against our own better judgment, play into it by stepping into the rollercoaster they designed for us to ride. Weee, here we go.
Hot takes. Urgent voices. Dire warnings, many of them correct. All the commentators, rushing in to corner the reaction traffic, to become the go-to resource for independent information. Adrenalin rising. Cortisol surging. Where is the ground? What is real? How much immediate danger are we in?
Breaking headlines, breaking headlines, smartass callbacks, talking heads, jokes to break the tension. The outrage is so habit-forming.
If you’re a religious trauma survivor reading this, please breathe with me. Sit on the floor with me. Let’s come back down into ourselves. Let’s identify what we smell. What we taste. What we hear. What we see above, below, to the right, and to the left of our body. Think for a minute what it feels like to wiggle your littlest toe. Imagine being able to feel your hair tucked behind your ear. Swallow. Exhale slowly. Inhale and hold it. Rub your palms together. Tap your fingertips on your breastbone.
We are here. We are safe. We are smart enough to outsmart this.
If you grounded with me, recognizing the nervous-system reaction triggered by this news cycle, you’ve already taken the first step in a trauma-informed approach to the news.
Realization involves acknowledging traumatic behavior, cycles, and systems. You’re calling out and naming a pattern as impactful across our physical, psychological, social, spiritual, and mental health.
Recognizing the signs and symptoms of nervous-system activation, trauma reactions, and stress helps us keep the main thing, the main thing.
Responding is different than reacting. This is why I call my “trauma responses” “trauma reactions.” They are instinctive, knee-jerks I release involuntarily, from an activated, rather than a healed place. If I want to respond thoughtfully, I need to accurately realize what’s happening, recognize the impact it’s having on me, and care for my mind, body, and soul before offering an opinion or taking action. (I go over this process in depth in my new book, I Belong to Me)
Resisting retraumatization requires our thoughtful action. This looks like boundaries on the source of our trauma. Like intentional self-care and self-prioritization. Like the protection of others vulnerable to harm.
Hegseth and the rest of this administration are harming people, and we know this because of the harm they cause. With theatrical show-offs and attention-demanders who want all eyes on them, shifting our focus to those harmed is a brave act of defiance. Don’t look away, especially from the symptoms occurring within your own body.
Daily, my inboxes contain messages from those who opt out of staying informed because of the toll that engagement takes on their psyche, families, and health. I understand. Immersion is toxic. I want to suggest a third way—a trauma-informed approach to the news—because engagement is also essential to protecting our democracy, our future, our children, and one another.
A trauma-informed approach to the news for me involves realizing that today’s speeches were timed to create maximum drama. They hung this event over our heads for a week, foreshadowing doom and dread. That alone would put a trauma-survivor on hypervigilant watch while we wait for the “other shoe to drop,” which certainly came in the speeches themselves.
After that realization, I recognized my activated-trauma symptoms: my confused brain fog, inability to focus, jitters, and reflexive scrolling for a rush of dopamine. My critical thinking faded; my spidey-senses flared and flinched. Hegeth’s warrior-religiousity, fed by Doug Wilson and his “No Quarter November,” is a direct trauma trigger for me. If you’ve read A Well-Trained Wife, you understand what that means. If you haven’t, well, I recommend my story to anyone who wants a deep and comprehensive reality check on what it’s really like to live in the Christian Patriarchy’s vision for America.
The most crucial power of recognizing symptoms and accurately connecting them to their source is that you won’t mistreat yourself. You won’t incorrectly diagnose your symptoms as something else. You won’t internalize the symptomatic impacts as self-generated when they are, in fact, a direct result of these traumatizing news cycles. This is the first line of a potent boundary you’re drawing on an abuser.
Responding thoughtfully is about using your voice, standing in your power, advocating, and acting with care and intention. It’s the opposite of panic. By supporting yourself so well, you’re able to respond thoughtfully, which means you’ll live in your integrity. Used wisely, your thoughtful response will communicate with gravitas and calm, and be trusted by those who feel afraid, which makes this especially important for anyone caring for young children.
Taking a trauma-informed approach to the news is active, deliberate resistance against retraumization. It’s not being an ostrich or avoidant. You’re saying no to chaos, not informed delivery. You’re putting boundaries on Petey, Donnie, and even Stevie Miller. You’re choosing when you’ll speak or take action, not always if. Sometimes, if, and if not, then you’ll also know why.
Choosing how you consume news is also essential. For example, reading long-form content over quick video quips. Allowing yourself time to digest important stories is as vital as consuming them. Stuffing yourself like a news-glutton is as dangerous as stuffing fries in your face at the drive-thru. Did you know “feed” is on the list of three new trauma responses under consideration? Faint, Fine, and Feed. These three join fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. How we feed ourselves (whether through food, drugs, entertainment, or information) while under stress can also indicate nervous system dysregulation.
You have agency in how you inform yourself. When most of the world is beyond your control, pacing is not. This titration allows you to integrate the flood of alarming news in a more manageable, strategic way as we collectively attempt to survive (outwit, outplay, outlast) the Trump administration.
But also: in a few days’ time, the cycle will have changed. The skilled editors and commentators will have offered nuance. Sometimes, court challenges are filed. In this case, seasoned veterans will have weighed in. We have time to listen and manage the ongoing responsibilities of our own lives.
Which is the reality beneath all of it, right? Grocery prices, economic strain, a broken healthcare system, a fragile educational system, and the call to release the Epstein files still loom. Wars continue, as does the genocide in Gaza. Mike Johnson is refusing to confirm the newly elected Adelita Grijalva. All of us have our day-in, day-out trials: for me, that includes travel, deadlines, family emergencies, and a very terrifying disaster with my car. (Everyone is okay. The car is not.)
So sorry, Petey Hegseth. Your theatrics and intimidation tactics do not get to override my commitment to health, family, and democracy. And as a military parent: fuck you.
I’ll have more to say about the warrior ethos in Christian Nationalism in a few days.
Two posts not to miss:
Comment section notes:
I recently opened my Substack and removed the paywall from ongoing posts, as well as the comment section. The shift is bringing in new readers, and I’d love it if you said hello.
For those new here, this column is primarily written for those who have left high-control religion and/or are seeking an understanding of evangelical influences in our culture, news, politics, and headlines. I maintain my social media spaces to foster healthy conversation on those topics in support of survivors of religious trauma. It is not a space for debate or Christian apologetics. If you have a different viewpoint, your curiosity and questions are welcome.
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Thank you so much for this. I was not aware of the three new trauma responses, and I clearly need to be before I “feed” my way back to my addictions.
Reading this felt like somebody finally turned the lights on in Pete Hegseth’s haunted church basement. He thrives on panic and projection, but naming the pattern steals his power. Boundaries are kryptonite for Christian Nationalists because they can’t weaponize what you’ve already claimed for yourself. And honestly, Petey’s whole “warrior ethos” is just cosplay with a Bible and a razor burn.