How Perspective Offers Hope (plus cult survival tips amid Kirk worship)
Finding the door out of overwhelm is a point of view
Someone new to my work was irritated with me the other day. She said I’d “lost her” when I said I hadn’t seen what she’d seen.
I chuckled when I read it because I didn’t know I’d “had” her. That’s not how I think of readers, friends, or associates. You are your own. As for having her attention, well, I did have that well enough that she’d read the post through the last paragraph and engaged in the comments. Clearly, I hadn’t lost that. And of course I hadn’t seen what she’d seen. I’m me.
I wrote back: “If representing my lived reality means I've lost all credibility to you, then my work is not going to be of interest to you.”
This is vitally true for a memoirist. My experiences and stories are my own. Your mileage may vary, which makes your story your own. But also, I’m a human being, not a buffet. I don’t exist for the consumption of others, nor do I craft myself to be appealing to every reader. She was new to this idea, and my reply made her angry.
She doubled down on her observation. I’m not sure what her desire was—apology? A target for her frustration? I have no idea. She misquoted me and said I’d told her not to read my work, and then said something I haven’t stopped thinking about in the week since:
“Seems to me that a writer would want to try to reach as many people as possible and perhaps persuade them to see their point of view and not tell people to not bother at the slightest hint of disagreement.”
If you’re a writer, I bet you know why this stuck. What writer doesn’t want to reach as many people as possible? What writer doesn’t want to be persuasive? What writer tells a disagreeing reader “to not bother?” What writer isn’t sweating losing readers, and as a result, is crafting and changing their message as they walk on eggshells, afraid to piss someone off by setting a boundary?
The answer is, this writer. The only one I can speak for: myself.
I wondered if my background in this area might help other writers, and that’s the spirit I offer in this post. I offer the perspective of experience.
Books, content, stories: these are not one-size-fits-all. We have niches and genres. As individual readers, one writer may resonate while another doesn’t land. That’s okay. There are many books and many ways to convey a message. Writers are also human beings (I don’t consider AI a writer, only a repackager.) As such, we have individual personalities. No one person can please everyone. So no, I don’t want to reach as many people as possible. I don’t carry the green ego to think I can, either. I want to reach interested readers who appreciate my work, story, background, and words for their own reasons. As many of those as possible? Yes. That’s why censorship and suppressed algorithms suck.
I’m not interested in persuading anyone. I’m not aiming to convince you. I write for those seeking insight to use on their own journeys. As Mary Oliver wrote in Wild Geese, “Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.”
In my work, across my platform, I share a portion of myself, including my thoughts, experiences, processes, observations, and interpretations, as they relate to our current, religion-infused society. This is my perspective. It may inform or nurture yours, and it also may not. I am interested in your perspective. It may inform or nurture mine, or it may not. The writer/reader relationship is reciprocal, as is the fellowship of survivors. We are also each more than our perspectives. We are humans with value beyond what we think or believe.
A note: while your experience may persuade me, your intention to attempt to guide me without consent will not. The word for this shift is empathy: the vehicle to move our emotions from one point to another. Empathy moves hearts. We’re moved to compassion, not scolded into it.The extensive editing process (developmental, copy, line, proofing, and especially LEGAL editing) has taught me the necessity and power of accurate quoting. As an added benefit, I can see more clearly when someone is projecting by putting their words in my mouth. I didn’t tell this commenter “to not bother” reading my work, nor did I tell her “not to read my work.” I say what I mean and mean what I say, to the best of my ability. I wrote, “If representing my lived reality means I've lost all credibility to you, then my work is not going to be of interest to you.” I also wrote, “I encourage you to look elsewhere,” if what she’s seeking is persuasion. This is my attempt to normalize the non-emotive recognition that some things are not our cup of tea or what we’re seeking…and that’s okay.
I suspect this comment thread stemmed from a history of people pleasing, a coercive environment without trust in one’s ability and right to think and read freely, steeped in a scarcity mindset, and defensive projection as a method of self-protection. Just my hunch. All of that is solvable, healable, and figureoutable—with some self-awareness. And who here hasn’t had to work on that?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I thought I’d offer some lessons I learned from living and leaving the high-control religion that is overtaking our country right now.
Keep your courage.
When they go low, we move on.
They want mothers? Maternal influence will usurp their power.
Peaceful isn’t passive.
Believe survivors. They bear the results of what religious idealism promises.
There’s more to life than they tell you.
Reading broadly and contact with others beyond your worldview are keys to freedom.
Authoritarians cycle through violence. Survivors embrace persistence.
Never obey in advance—unless that’s part of your strategy for good trouble and subversive hope. Don’t let their tactics intimidate you into self-betrayal.
Pace your outrage. An effective fire burns long.
Some more reading on empathy and courage:
Cult survivor recovery tip:
Make plans for Sunday, September 21. Charlie Kirk’s funeral is shaping up to be a Christian Nationalist extravaganza. When cultists mix high emotion with collective effervescence and performance, the energy is volatile and intense, and it will seem from the outside that they have more power and influence than they actually do. Safe alternatives and self-care are a must. Stay busy. Stay offline if you can. Put your hands to tangible work you love.
Comment section notes:
I recently opened my Substack and removed the paywall from ongoing posts, as well as the comment section. The shift is bringing in new readers, and I’d love it if you said hello.
For those new here: this column is primarily written to those who have left high-control religion and/or are seeking a translation of evangelical influences in our culture, news, politics, and headlines. I maintain my social media spaces to foster healthy conversation on those topics in support of survivors of religious trauma. It is not a space for debate, proselytizing, or Christian apologetics. If you have a different viewpoint, your curiosity and questions are welcome.
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This CK business has got my mind bouncing around. It is like solving a mystery. I encountered pastors like him in my college years who would visit campus to debate and spread the gospel. They weren’t there to listen just to tell. They stick around and then when everyone is thoroughly in awe of the debator’s ability to win each debate, they give a speach about God, their authoritarian version. It captivates. But it is laced with trickery clothed in truth. And now it is so much bigger because these egomaniacs can put themselves on tic tok and utube. Their message multiplies. It is terrifying. Thanks for writing about it!
Thank you for your insights, Tia. Until you mentioned it in this piece, I hadn't considered how having a scarcity mindset comes from having been steeped in this kind of thinking all along. As with many things you and the other deconstructors say, in hindsight, I can now look back see all those mental fingerprints all over my childhood and in my adult life. As with all this hindsight knowledge, it's both sobering and freeing. So, thank you.