The Outcome of the Girl Who Invited Me to Coffee

Introducing a new series: Deconstructing Trumpers

A portion of this post was originally shared as The Problem With Your Trump Supporting Friends, in which I shared a story with receipts about The Girl Who Invited Me to Coffee on election night.

I’ve been listening earnestly since the election—to Trump voters, Harris voters, election abstainers—the whole lot. Here’s what I’ve observed:

• Trump voters are unhappier than expected. While they gloated at first, they now just sound sour and defensive, working embittered snipes into ordinary topics, such as the holidays or football

• Election abstainers and vote swappers are kind of quiet. They sound like they feel played (related to Israel/Palestine) and borderline regretful, but still frustrated with the electoral system and the fruitlessness they feel making an effort

• Trump repenters are reaching across to comment on Harris voter’s content. They didn’t want to vote for her but they didn’t like Trump either, and are blown away by the cabinet choices and rapid reign of chaos, because they didn’t think the warnings were real. They send questions like “But what’s Project 2025?”

• Harris voters are shifting through the stages of incredulity and grief. They’re finding ways forward, embracing joy where they find it, and drawing new boundaries

That’s me too.

Because I have a soft, sensitive, and sentimental heart, I’ve tried for years to remain in good relational standing with Trump voters, especially if we were once close and/or worshiped God together. It’s agonizing for me to cut and block someone in those categories and I’ve had to work on protecting my peace first, and avoiding the discomfort second.

That’s looked like:

• choosing to scroll past what I disagree with

• respecting thier right to an opinion even when their opinion is harmful

• finding “the good on both sides”

• long, circular debates with sincere people using misinformation or the Bible as their core

• engaging as a peer with others online, even though I know I’m doing way more homework and legwork to listen openly and think critically than they are

• tolerating insults and assumptions as they slap their labels on anyone who disagrees with them

• giving the ones in my DMs “another chance” because they’re at least open to dialog

But this election is not like 2016 or 2020. The stakes are dire. The chaos is immediate, strategic, and ironically, structured. Their minority win feels dishonest, and I still believe it is, yet it’s also true Democrats must change how they do things. Democrats didn’t turn out, failed to convince, and failed to focus on the strength they offer. They can’t live like it was ten years ago.

That’s true for me too. I must change how I do things. I must make adjustments. I must turn out, work to my integrity, and focus on the strengths I can offer.

To that end, I’m changing how I interact with Trump voters.

• I’m listening more, going into their spaces, and bearing witness to their words and behaviors, because I intend to hold them to their word

• I’m keeping my personal Trump contacts but I’m depersonalizing my interactions. I’m in contact with them to remember their humanity and personal lives—but it’s in the context of examining the wider patterns they evidence for the specific purpose of deconstructing why and what that’s pointing to

• I’m keeping receipts and sharing the stories with you. I believe there’s more going on than mere 1 to 1 interpersonal conflict going on

Introducing a new series on The Anti-Fundamentalist: Deconstructing Trumpers

Trumpers are a minority within a minority. Contrary to his ridiculous claims, DT did not win by a landslide and there is no majority mandate. But there’s division in the red numbers too. The “hold your nose” voters who voted Republican but wanted a different candidate is not the same as a rabid MAGA Trump fan who donates real money to the campaign and buys a Bible with his name on it.

Personally, I feel for those minority red voters. I relate to them, too.

I was once a Republican who would’ve voted party loyalty over single issues and without enough education to know better and caught up in a cult movement too. I know firsthand that these voters have a lot of hurdles to overcome. Beyond their own bias and histories, they’re the target of massive misinformation campaigns. Their churches have been taken over by vitriolic Christian Nationalists who use their own language and liturgies against them, defend abusers, and shame critical thoughts and questions.

In my experience, these voters are genuine people grappling with their own trauma in a complicated and confusing society. They’re trying to ask questions. Personal stories matter to them (and these are the Trump voters who still read books like mine and feel moved by the impacts of religious trauma.) Their faith matters to them deeply, and they’re overwhelmed by what’s happening to America.

I give these Trump voters respect, partly because I believe to be a healed person, I must also show younger me love and respect. They are free Americans to choose their politics, positions, and platforms. They’re still willing to engage and capable of having swing conversations. I don’t consider them MAGAs or Trumpers or members of the realm, and they don’t behave that way either. I do hope they continue to listen and learn, because from what I’ve seen, this kind of voter chose him in 2016, abstained in 2020, and voted for Harris in 2024.

But Trumpers are another story. They’re Donald’s base. They’re bad neighbors, delight in seeing another’s pain, diminish harmful consequences, throw legality out the window when it suits them, and froth over their bloody red wave. They’re cruel. Worst of all, they’re America’s dominant protestant religion: the evangelicals, and they use their faith to hurt people, not to save or help them.

I don’t think they see or hear how bad they sound. Speaking from 40 years of experience, self-awareness is squashed from an early age. Evangelicals have been singing about being washed in the blood for ages. Now, they’re lost in a moment and come from an environment of frothy fan mentality and charismatic adoration for leaders that offer them belonging in the party of power. This win signifies legislation they’ve longed for, and bans they believe will protect little minds from threats they’re convinced are more relevant than the dirty pastor next door.

They won, but did they really? They have power over their own side, with resistance from everyone else. The marginalized will suffer. And with choices like the misguided economic plan, we all will. The surge of defeat was overwhelming, not because “dems” lost an election but because the winners were so mean-spirited. They didn’t win for the good of the country; they won for the good of themselves.

What’s weird a month later is that they still sound mean and unhappy, insecure and scared, even when they’re posting smiling photos of their families and friends and declaring how unbothered and unfrustrated they are. I’m seeing them do this a lot right now—because while I’m connected to Trumpers to see what they’re up to, they’re connected to me so they can show off.

The evangelical performance of friendship.

To an evangelical Trump voter, I’m a mission field. The token democrat friend. i’m probably hopeless, but they’ll try. I’m someone they can say they’re friends with because they’re friends with everyone, but without a clue that true friendship protects.

If they were really friends with POC, LGBTQ+, and immigrants, they’d vote to protect them. This isn’t an outsider hating on Christians. This is a memory for me. I was that girl, spouting Republican “values” like “America is a Christian Nation” and participating in protests to keep free internet out of libraries.

This is what The Girl Who Invited Me to Coffee was all about. Similarly, The Girl Who Told Me to Shut It is an evangelical performer, so image conscious that she wouldn’t reply to me on her own post but came over to an unrelated post of mine to reem me out.

What I found so compelling about both of these situations, as well as a third I’ll share later this week (The Girl Who Wants Me Both Ways) is the pattern. Both Ways Girl even said it would be petty to unfreind me, when I suggested that if she doesn’t like me and doesn’t want me to comment on her posts that she restrict or block my access to her space. It’s never petty to maintain personal boundaires over our spaces. But she, like the other two, refused. Their point is that I must change and adhere to their standards.

It’s my hunch this is part of the wider Trumpian-lady mindset and sequence I’ll be deconstructing in this series.

1. They present their strong opinions publically and boldly

2. Any dissenting opinion, no matter how kindly expressed, is scoffed at or responded to with sarcasm, revealing the expectation that only agreement is allowed

3. They bite offsides to protect their image

4. Next is a scold with namecalling and accusation (the topic is cast aside)

5. Replies to the scold, no matter how reasonably stated, earn a hotter reply as they’re angered I didn’t listen and obey them. More insults

6. A defensive rebuttal follows

7. When I name their frustration, the toxic positivity wall snaps up:

8. They insist they’re happy, content, blissed out, whatever—Have a nice day

This “let me count to three” response from Christian women has my attention. I’ve had three women in as many weeks exhibit the same behavior and that tells me it’s not about personality but pattern. It’s why I called out Keep it Shut and the resulting coorrelation to Fundie Baby Voice (slides with my quotes by Examining Moscow). My deconstructing mind can’t let it go and I feel the intuituive gravity within me confirming I’m not supposed to let it go, either.

This is the work I’m committed to. No, it isn’t always fun. There are beautiful and wonderful things happening in my life right now that I’d honestly rather rest and give time to. I’m also really battling my lifelong urge to fall into magical thinking and fawning right now. I could smile and scroll past and play nice with these women with my eyes closed. But that’s what it would require of me: my eyes would have to close. I’d have to not see the reality going on around me, that we’re all encountering and facing.

I’m reminded of the end of my book, the poem by Adrienne Rich I quoted. “As it is…not as we’d wish it to be.”

Life, like anti-fundamentalism, isn’t cut and dry. Many of us are navigating family relationships, dreading intermingled holidays, and examining what it means to be a friend. What are the limitations of disagreement? Where are the lines and boundaries? How do we show up for one another and when do we redirect and say no, in word and in deed, in knowledge or in ignorance: we had a responsibility to hold onto each other and you blew it? We vote to protect one another’s interests, not in service to an ideology. They chose their ideas over us.

I’m still listening to Trumpers for many reasons. I care about them, and I want to be the kind of person who cares for my neighbor. I want to understand what drives them so that I can answer intelligently, help others understand, and relate to their humanity. I’ve made it my job to know both sides. Personally and politically, I don’t want to become a guilty ostrich, committing the same behavior I’m calling out.

So for me, it’s eyes open. And it’s screenshot reciepts and depersonalized call outs behind the paywall when the interaction betrays a wider pattern. My promise to myself is to investigate and stay curious. If they don’t like me, they can leave, because that’s their freedom and it always was. But if they come perform and scold in my space, I’m going to thank them for the material and come here to break it down.

The patriarchy loves it when women nudge other women to get into their pretty pink padded box. It’s nothing personal, so I’m pulling back the curtain for a wider view. If you want to better understand what’s going on with Trumpian trends that impact your culture and interactions, I invite you to check your subscription and follow along.

Do you find this topic triggering? I do too sometimes. I see triggers as information. They’re callings to explore. What’s going on here? Why does it feel this way? Where in my body do I feel it? What does it remind me of? What memories and issues is this situation raising? Where do I have unaddressed trauma to perhaps take to therapy?

These are some of the questions and more that I ask when I’m deconstructing activated feelings around an experience. Are you having any similar interactions with Trumpers now or in the past? What are your thoughts about the boundaries you’re setting going forward?

Read about Fundie Baby Voice and more of my personal experiences as a trad wife here.

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Buy A Well-Trained Wife here.